Hikikomori

by IDES

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1.
I don't know where this road ends, but I know where it starts Desperate in the chambers of broken teenage hearts Needing, kneading, their hands away Sucking themselves to tooth decay Bitching, hormoaning, the fountain of youth won't stop bleeding Settling and settling like quicksand round your knees The more you struggle, the more you squirm, the more you aim to please Are we two beasts, or one in the same? Two backs, eight legs, and so much pain Can't get enough, or seem to shake that sinking feeling Sinking feeling Now I've been told to make a list Of all my favorite things and return to it When life seem bleak, when all seems lost To see that I'm truly blessed Well I've racked my brain and spent some time Mulling it over and I must resign: I can count my blessings on a set of amputee's fingers Of all my favorite things, you disappoint me the least.
2.
No. No. No. Don't go. There was no time to say goodbye, my friend Your castle went quiet before I could open my mouth. How could I ask you to rise one more time? The air went silent on a cold September night I thought I heard your voice at midnight; It was just the echoes you left behind. But oh, your voice still shines. Our hearts and minds burn out, Like stars they flicker and fade But your voice on the radio waves Goes on for better or worse days (x3) Rise, arise rise Rise, William, rise!
3.
Post-Human 02:34
I dreamt of a time far in the future, where no one who walked on two feet ruled anymore It was quiet and peaceful, the air was clean There was no war and no machines One hundred corporations are responsible for three quarters of the world's pollution. So why are you still shoving reusable straws down my throat? If things don't change the Earth will be unlivable in the next two decades. I just hope we leave a chance for whoever takes our place Gut the shopping malls, and empty the banks Let the weeds take them back --- greenhouses for a new age Hail the cockroach, the waterbear reigns A new apex predator, small and benevolent I want to rip down all the metal spikes in the trees and man-made columns crumbling So the birds can reclaim their nesting place And the homeless will at least be able to sleep And the lamb lays with the wolf No one goes extinct or without food And our own bones are used for fossil fuels Maybe one day we all will be erased I think then the Earth might be a better place
4.
Yake-niku 04:03
I was dead before they ever wove this net and still I push in spite its tension Digging deeper into my skin Maybe, by some chance of fate, manufactured defect this noose will break But still we push, with no syncopation Stepping on each other, bum rush to the slaughter Muscles burning - acid searing - pedal to the floor - til the cylinders burst Waves crash on rocky shores Swirling and swelling and rolling right over me Undulating, ovulating Cruel mother spits me out into an unloving world My lungs fill with water - face blue as I scream Pressure pulls me under - struggle cooks my flesh as I sink We have fought, fought for flight The Flesh is corrupt, the end is in sight Embrace me, ensnare me, and save me from this fate Skin me and gut me Skin me, gut me, skin me, gut me Skin me and gut me, and make me whole again We have fought for flight And now we must rest assured That our hollow carapace Is the final resting place For the knife that bores through me is not my fame, not my fortune it's a constant wave of regret It's a constant wave of regret singing la la la la la
5.
every day something new sacrifice the old you every day something new sacrifice the old you every day something new sacrifice the old you every day something new I took a walk took their advice with a grain of salt and still the air it felt so stale, so false twice regurgitated, lined in chalk I can't help thinking that I'm next my severed head it tells me that I should go find myself a deeper hole to bury itself in Or a closer seat near the door in case this whole place is rigged to blow my other half says I have a certain way with words a sword I used to write your epitaph but now it seems that blade has turned on me and yet i turn it in my back like a key will I feel it more or less? i cant help thinking it gets worse maybe it's time to shave off the curse for those who can't help but help themselves to fully dissolve and reimburse We'll make it rain with love Relentless everlasting sacrifice begone to care for those you can't afford to hate or know we'll make it rain make it reign in love
6.
What would happen, what would happen, if you changed your attitude? What would happen if you showed some gratitude? Would the sky crack open? Would your thanks turn to ash in your mouth? If you held my gaze for more than a second, would your eyeballs turn inside out? Would your carriage start turning back into a pumpkin? Can I serve you better? Let me know how sorry I should be Can I serve you better? Just let me know what I should be Use my body like a sleigh and ride it down to oblivion Onward --- look only ever onward, eviscerate me Reconstitute me Trying to be more humble but I can't get closer to the ground, any farther down and I'd be neighbors with the devil Look outside and tell me --- the sky ain't falling am I finally ascending? a life spent waiting cursed to describe a feeling of being stretched indefinitely through decades and decades of dilution and straining Dilution and straining
7.
Between thunder and smoke The place where the lies become truth: Our god is a god of black flames and in His name we immolate She stepped into another bee's nest welcoming that stinging warmth You'd think she'd know better by now, but she'll set herself aflame just enough to smoke them out This town will eat the world she can't burn everything but if she doesn't light the match she won't stand a chance This whole town talks about her Says she never knows best Little do they know one day She'll set them all ablaze Turn this whole place into a charnel house
8.
Interlude 03:57
She told me that shame was a useless emotion, then she walked out on me They told me they'd be there no matter my needs, then disappeared, or so it seems He told me I was so much more than just alone I knew what he meant, but the sentiment sank in differently You're more than alone So much more than just alone You're more than alone.
9.
Hysteric 04:44
Draw down the moon, tooth and nail dip her in blood, and let it rain down We fled, stifling moans Cradling bellies swollen with truth Flushed out past barred doors and empty streets We saw too much, knew too much We ran in packs like wild dogs Loping as the blood trickled down our legs We limped when we had to, we shared our pain What power do we have left That they haven't taken away If you were still given the choice to howl at the moon, wouldn't you? Writhing as one - bodies contorted our tent stained red with unbirth Visions unleashed - existence distorted beyond life known to Man Fever manias unchain, the beast within I don't crave your blood tonight, got enough of my own But given the chance to tear you limb from limb Makes me weak at the knees, weaker at the knees Draw down the moon, tooth and nail dip her in blood, and let it rain down on those that would try and us deny us our pain, Make them wish they'd never been born You come for us, silver coat hanger glinting in the night We drew first blood and we shall draw the last Are you really any more evolved With your mandible grip and your modified claws Can't tell who is who when you stand before me Who is the lesser beast, and which still has dignity? Cause building a tower just to look down on us all doesn't make you any higher a power Stone peaks block out that pale orb in the sky but she still shines, and I scream in the night for her You swear my pain's not here you swear my pain's not real You swear my pain's not here you swear my pain's not real don't expect you to mourn you'll wish you've never been born
10.
Console cowboy Outlaw, under dog Under oath to no one but the chase Some call me low life, others call me basket Case Fastest fingers in the West Console for hire For the highest price Firewalls, icebreakers crumble at my touch tapping into virgin code on a digital frontier What's one more job between now and a life of peace Tear through the Straylight Run and then cash out for good Fade into obscurity or join the Singularity Panzerboys and razorgirls Altered and optimized Performance guaranteed Discretion is our specialty Just searching for a fix Something new to jack into Intel is the fastest spreading drug And we're all hooked What's the price of becoming Something more than human? Flesh chassis branded by corporations Each keystroke recorded All thoughts are forfeited If you own me, then who owns you? If you own me, then who owns you? Password protected consciousness Digital self uploaded
11.
Party of One 03:17
Grist for the mill Food for the worms we all end up in the same sized hole Churning, burning, a calorific gyre The start and end of eternal downward spiral Body is a burden for a tired soul Collecting cobwebs and dust Leave me to the spiders, leave me to the dirt Let them take me back and show me my worth I’ll let this room become as big as my world Count the spider’s legs to pass the time And pluck them off when I need to feel alive Do they feel pain? Can I feel it too? What’s left to feel when there’s nothing left to do? Bottles of piss, puddles of cum Clippings and kipple and bile and blood The things that prove I can still create, I am still real I’ll let this room become as big as my world Where I'll give names to the shadows passing by And let these walls embrace me tight Draw the shades, and lock my door Learn to live without the light The bones have reversed themselves The spider is alive again It's four legs down but it will crawl Until you've managed to pluck them all Pluck em all
12.
what defines us destroys us what entices us devours us You will gladly feed your hands into the garbage disposal Of perceived love for some sort of connection you will always lack You will kindly hurdle towards the woodchipper of vague celebrity For a few more severed thumbs subscribed to the thought A carrot on a stick, line-leading lemmings off a cliff For a life of constant surveillance: forfeit your face for a feeding tube of endless advertisements To fatten up your cancerous carcass Until your can't fit through the door frame Until they need a saw to cut you in half so that you make your way down the conveyor belt more efficiently Methodically separated from your vitamin deficient bones Til all your sad fragments forget what it's like to be whole If you ain't buying what they're selling you're destined to rot on a shelf. You life has become a ghost room A ship in a bottle fit only for observation A ghost room A ship in a bottle Fit only For observation
13.
Why do we grovel - who says we’re lost - there’s no tomorrow - it’s all for naught Left my body on the street With my heart laid flat On the sidewalk near the uncut grass While my head now dormant Still turning like a dancer in the depths of a secondhand loveseat I saw planes crashing down In a brilliant display of defiance With a stark correspondence of orange and red-- Now the cold earth’s shaking with a hapless sigh enough’s enough No one’s home Left your remains in the sun while hearing cries of those you love They want loss? Well show them loss Say goodbye to any good that’s come from this depressing lot I came to on my knees With my eyes nailed firmly to the husk of these hallowed out bones Shattered beams bared teeth now swollen from decades of blood and mold I cried out, but the sound dissolved with the weight Of my jaw crushing down on my lungs They found me huddled in a fugue state Laughing “All you ever need is fucking love” Love is all Get me off this crazy thing before I peck out my own heart Is death the end of our conquest Or is it simply saying sorry for years and years of waste simply saying sorry for years and years of waste - OH “Someone left the cake out in the rain” No horse, no king I’m never coming back from this again C’est la vie, so it goes C’est la vie, or so it goes Platitudes of wisdom won’t prepare you for the great unknown You only like me with my arms bent back Prostrate against the ground bootheels digging in my neck The neck contorts, the smile screams In the mirror, in the mirror, in the mirror looking back at me I couldn’t recognize the filthy remains of myself: A horrible stranger My eyes became the yellow of yesterday those pitiful reflectors With a crooked fracture of a grin that said "I am the bed and I am the match and I am the flame and I am the embers" So when you finally see The scorched earth for the trees Will it be all for naught? In the end we'll all grovel If we're all lost it's all for naught If there's no tomorrow Then why do we grovel? It's all for naught, so let it flood Let the light in Let it flood Let the light in We'll let the light flood in

credits

released March 15, 2020

Engineered, mixed, and mastered by Scot Moriarty at Backroom Studios, Rockaway, NJ

Guest vocals on ARISE by Lex (Sunrot, Skin Pop)
Guest vocals on YAKE-NIKU and LOVE'S LANDFILL LOST by Ryan Trepeddi (Hollow-Eyed, Inertia, SHRB)
Guest vocals on CONSOLE COWBOY by Paul Alan (Hell Mary, Control, Hundreds of AU)

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IDES New Jersey

I'M NOT HAVING FUN ANYMORE

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